'Hand Trolley' by Hitcom

Hello everybody, I’m Joe, and you are watching the agile industrial complex TV. You may remember me from other infomercials such as “How to outsource your customer with a CRM” and “UML: the language we’ll use to speak with aliens.”

Can I ask you a question? Are you in the market to scale your IT department? Maybe you have a big project?

We here at scaled agile love big projects. How many teams do you want to work together? We’ve had dozens working on the same thing before!

Maybe you have hundreds of developers you want to keep busy? Don’t you just hate not knowing what they are getting up to? Those pesky souls. So cool, you are in the market, and I’ve got a product for you today sir.

It’s Agile in a box. This bad boy can fit so many practices into it that you won’t know what to do with them.

This box contains the blueprints for success. We took lots of successful projects and distilled them into a short 816-page manual inside to help you. Because we here at scaled agile industries know transformation is hard and takes years. So to save you thinking we’ve made this box. We are like Ikea for software orgs, just take our guide, and you can build the system of your dreams. Actually, we are better than Ikea. Once you open the box, our consultants will pop out and live in your organisation. It’s the best way to guarantee your success. Don’t worry; we certified each and everyone one of them.

Are you ready to learn more? Great, let me tell you what we are going to do.

First, we’ll bring back the PMO and call them the portfolio and program teams. They’ll handle all the pesky ‘customer demand’ and ideas people have and figure out what projects to fund. We aren’t sure why but the quotes from our case studies come nearly exclusively from satisfied PMO officers and never from teams.

Don’t you just hate not being able to compare apples and oranges? Following on we’ll standardise story points, so you can compare teams together and see which developers in each cost centre are doing the best. We’ve solved the problem of apples and oranges! Don’t worry about those SCRUM folk saying velocity should be kept inside the team, as we all know safety is overrated and context doesn’t matter, you can compare all teams and shout at the ones who aren’t doing well! Together we can flush them out.

Have you noticed that releases have become boring, frequent and straightforward recently? We’re going to make them big and exciting again. We’re going to release all together every three months in a big weekended extravaganza of releases. Let’s make releases exciting again.

You may have heard your teams complaining about dependencies slowing them down and don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. We’ll arrange for every person in your org to come and spend two days together in a big room while we carefully map every dependency then our crack portfolio teams will carefully sequence the work, so no one gets blocked. Let’s leaving fixing things to Bob the Builder; we’ll manage it instead.

Does anyone want to buy the box?

But wait there’s more!

You don’t have to decide just now. But if you order in the next 30 days, then we’ll throw in DevOps for free too which is worth $79.99. Call us now on 0800 SCALED.